Ice_Kube

I've waited so long.
I've never felt like I've waste more time than today. After 2 years and all that hype about going australia. I'm still back where I started.

No. You dun understand what it feels like.

I've always liked Christmas. Come December, I'll always have this warm fuzzy feeling which makes me feel generous. Ahh. I just feel like spending actually. Unlike bigger festives like CNY which just makes me feel greedy or birthdays when I i feel everything shud be about ME. yes. Putting Christmas at the end of the year makes it a nice closure before relectantly ushering in the New year when the mundane cycle of life repeats.

I still remember being at East Coast on New Year's eve with jun and pa making resoluations which seems so meaningless now. 2009 turned out to be just another year. Not as bad as we thought it would be. But nothing good. I've got a good feeling for 2010 though. =D

Going bangkok tmrw. Vietnam/cambodia on 31st December. Holiday season here i come! The anticipation is so great. My family has nv sat on the airplane together before. And this is the first time I'm going overseas with my friends too! I LOVE AiRPLANES. even if its just budget airline. I've heard a lot of stories regarding bangkok recently. HAHA.

I think 2012 does have some impact on the world. I glimsp through the copenhagen thingy and it just dawned on me that the end of the world is nearing. Are humans that predictable? I can see how it is now. We were ignorant and are now trying to salvage what we can though its too late. We're gonna regret and slip into denial. Denial turns to anguish and we'll begin to lose humanity. We'll no longer have the luxury of living for tmrw but just a constant battle of meaningless survival. With some help from mother nature, in no time, we'll all turn on each other and self destruct.
It is true it seems that only in despair does the true human spirit shine. After every catastrophe, you see support groups and volunteers from all over the world uniting to help one another. But you do realise these disasters only happen 1 at a time now. Giving enough time for humans to unite, heal and recover. What if it becomes worse? The Earth destructs faster than we can do anything. Too fast and too many. Humans will become desperate. I see the fear in humans manifesting into selfishness and everything ugly. Humans can only help one another within their own ability. We help others cause of how it makes us feel. Its not that I don't believe in altruism. But I know we all want something in return when we help. Even the joy of seeing others happy when we help is a form of return and once again, its worth the effort. Towards the dark end, we'll see its meaningless to help. There's too much to lose and probably nothing to gain. It just doesn't make sense to help anyone anymore. Human spirit will fade and the human race will inevitably wipe out.

If only everyday could feel like Christmas, the world needs to be loved.

my idp consultant finally rang me up and told me i've only a week to decide whether to take up the offer. I want to go to bangkok in peace..

I really wanna get into victoria uni cause i'd rather go melborne then queensland. Queensland sounds reallly boring. yawn.

But stupid victoria hasn't given us our exemptions for dunno what stupid reason. I've already given them what i think is my course syallabus I dunno what else they want. xian.

Now i'm waiting waiting waiting. for griffith to give me a reply. Hopefully they dun screw up my exemptions too. I like the course at griffith too and they might give more exemptions. =X really hope so.

To feel alright, i resort to looking at my channie videos.

and.I've tendered my resignation too.
no turning back.

I know its not so bad. At most I finish up my degree in Singapore and my honours overseas. But i can't wait to go to aussie! =P i do find myself making a very selfish decision. Hence. by trying my best to shorten my stay and reduce the fees, i find myself making a more reasonable decision. Yes. to appease my conscience. =( and i know i've to study very hard there too. I must get at 4HDs just to show i'm smarter than a certain retard. =X

MY OBSESSION WITH EQUALITY

why why why. are we so obsessed with unfairness.
There's just this green-eyed monster in all of us crying out wanting the better half ALL THE TIME. I'm angry too when I feel like I'm at the losing end. Dammit. I hate feeling this way. I know I'm a very calculative person. I try to put a value onto almost everything. When I treat someone nice, I actually think whether it is worth it or not first. (not $$ terms). I actually judge people and treat them according to what I think they deserve. I treat my friends and love ones. this way too. I wonder if I'm actually genuinely nice.

I only help people if they want to be helped. I can't stand people who do not take initiative and complain all day about how sad their lives are. Then they wait for things to fall nicely for them. They're some lucky assholes who have people around them who care about them enough to straighten out their lives for them. NOt that they appreciate it anyway. BITCHES well, as long as they don't make their problems my problems, I'm fine.

I think this aspect of me makes me hard to live with. =( I get upset when I see ppl being treated differently because of their looks, gender, status, race. I think its the helpless feeling that I hate. And I am guilty of judging ppl according to their appearance and how their flaunt their riches too. Thats why I think I'm an idiot. I think too much. Making my life difficult for myself just to make sense of some stuffs.

Just wondering. What are people's most valuable possessions?
its that their family?
their love?
their pride?
their successes?
their principles?
their identiy?
their time?
their lives?

Wasted Weekend.
I drugged my heavy heart and I don't wanna wake up.
=======================

It was a weekend of strange and overwhelming experiences and emotions. I haven't even begin to sink in and reflect on what just happened and the next thing I know, there's another shit I've to face.

Just one weekend got some answers that I want. not from anyone though. My concern with my future has been dimnishing. Its like :No one cares anyway. I don't feel like caring too much bout it either.
Does it even matter what I want? Or is it just too bad.
Anyway, I've done my part.

It was satisfying to just burst into tears and not care about anything or anyone else. To feel sad, so helpless, so weak. Just let it all out.
And after my tearful episode, I'm just exhausted. All I want is to curl up on my comfortable bed under my big blanket where I'm safe.
I knew i had to cry soon. I needed some sort of relief. I've had a lot of repressed feelings.
Feelings of hate. anger. indifference. doubt.
I'm not depressed or anything. I just haven't had anyone around I want to pour out my feelings to at all.
Oh well, at least I had someone to cry to.

hahah I've so much to say yet no way to say it.
I guess there's some stuffs only i can understand. There's always things about me I don't wan ppl to know about, esp the ppl who still reads this damned blog.

words mean alot to me. sometimes its all i've to hold on to. you can make living a lot easier for me.


**I just passed my 7.01 today. 1 more month to my tp. i really love going for my bike lessons. after accomplishing it stage by stage. its so satisfying.